Reflection

On the cusp of this new year, I pause to reflect on the last.

This was probably the most monumental and definitive year of my life.

There were many changes that were easily noticed:

He graduated from school

We officially became an Air Force family

Packing up and moving from everything we've ever known

Adding new life to our family....

These things alone could change someone-

-but it was the unseen things that changed me the most.

Packing away boxes of things I love, realizing that things may never be the same.

I acted like a grown up.

I convince myself it was all part of being an adult.

And then, I cried.

I explored my boundaries. 

I tried things I had never tried before.

I allowed myself to make mistakes and to be someone else for a while.

Most of all, I made a conscious decision that changed my life for forever. 

I was standing dangerously close to an edge.

I made myself think I was tethered safely to something,

but I was just fooling myself.

I remember the one definitive moment when I made the decision. 

And that was the moment I felt in control.

The best part is, I don't regret any of it. 

“Why can't you see i'm a kid', said the kid.
  Why try to make me like you?

Why are you hurt when I don't cuddle?

Why do you sigh when I splash through a puddle?

Why do you scream when I do what I did?

Im a kid.” 

- Shel Silverstein

Kids need to be kids.
They grow so fast.
It was just yesterday I saw him for the first time.
Now he's 3 years old. 
Tomorrow he'll be 16. 
I will cherish the hugs, the drool, the giggles, the spills, the tiny socks lying around everywhere... 
And how it feels to have him fall asleep on my chest.

Happy Birthday, Bear Cub.

Gratitude

I can feel his heart beat under my hand as he sleeps. 

I listen to him breath, and sometimes snore.

It doesn't bother me at all, I just smile.

I love that he lets me put my cold feet on his legs when we sleep. 

I love that he always, ALWAYS kisses me good morning and goodnight.

He is always the first to say "thank you" for all the small things that would otherwise go unnoticed.

Even if I burn dinner, he will gobble it up and ask for more.

This man.

More seriously, he forgives me.

And forgives. And forgives. And forgives.

I can be irrational, moody, and scared

but he knows just what to say...

Usually that I'm right. 

We both know that its not (always) true, but it still feels good to hear it.

I don't have to be on the defense.

I don't know what I was so scared of.

Maybe not being his first priority.

How stupid can I be?

I should've known never to doubt him.

His love for me, and for us, is obvious.

Us. Family.

There is nothing more important than family.

I can't believe that I have been so blessed with my sweet boy.

He teaches me every day.

He is so innately calm, and kind. 

I love how he watches me.

It reminds me of the great responsibility of being a mother. A constant teacher.

He is my everything.

And then there is baby. Already, I can feel your presence.

I saw you move and dance around today.

The miracle of life never ceases to amaze me.

Your big brother loves you so much.

We all love you so much.

I am grateful.

I realized the other day, I usually only write when I'm sad.... 

Which is rather unfortunate, because I'm happy %90 of the time.

I'm making a goal to write when I'm happy, indifferent, AND sad. I feel its important to take the time to express how you feel during all emotions. Not only will it show that I'm not a sad sap all the time, but by taking the time myself to assess how blessed I am, it will make me appreciate my life more.

Same goes for my photography. Sometimes I get caught up in the "perfect"shot. But really its those everyday, imperfect moments that are the most beautiful. And thus birthed my idea for 'project 365'. A picture every day for a year. Capture the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful. You can follow my posts every day on my facebook page. Hope you enjoy! Comments are encouraged and much appreciated:)

All I want is the moon

I'm here 
come and hear the siren
come on let's run
with our excitement
come on let's run
open your eyes like a sparrow
come on let's try
it gets cold and gets bolder in here
All we want is the moon

Changing

I'll admit, I'm scared.
There are big changes coming soon and I feel a myriad of emotions... Happy, nervous, excited, anxious, sad.

I'm scared that I will only be able to miss those that I love.
I'm scared that I will always be wanting.
I'm scared I will be lonely.
I'm scared of feeling trapped.
I'm scared of being forgotten.

Its not like me to be scared. Usually I face challenges head on saying: "Do your worst, for I will do mine!" but this isn't the case. And I'm pretty damn sure this isn't " The Count of Monte Cristo" either. This time I'm afraid to even start. I'm so anxious, I can't sleep. Its all happening faster than expected. I yearn for those close to me. I feel like I'm saying goodbye for forever.  Nothing will be the same.

Will my nieces know me? Will my son know his grandparents? Will I spend all my time wishing my companion was with me, in the flesh, instead of just on a screen? I know people do it all the time, but I am not people. I am not that strong.

Twenty years is a long time. Some of those closest to me will have run their race by then. I feel as though I am abandoning them. I feel as though I need to be here to protect my family. As if my presence here somehow disallows them from being harmed. I know that isn't true, but that doesn't keep me from feeling that way. Right now, logic has no grip on my emotions.

Will those relationships that have always been so special to me deteriorate as time goes on? I can't even bear the thought of it.
My heart is so heavy, I can't even think of goodbye. People say: "You'll be fine! Give it time..." But I don't want my senses to be dulled just because this stupid thing called 'time' keeps going--- Because it goes both ways. And I don't want to be forgotten.

I don't want it to be normal that I'm not there at the dinner table.
I don't want it to be normal to miss the birth of my siblings children.
I don't want it to be normal to not be able to give my mom a hug just because I love her.

How could I have taken for granted the advantage of being so close for so long?

I'm sitting here, alone, at 2am with tears running down my cheeks, trying to relieve some of the emotion I've let build up for so long. Yet, I feel as though I'm only fueling the flame. Its not healthy. I don't want to be crying and feeling bad for myself. How can everyone else be fine? I want to be fine. I want to be supportive and strong... I am a happy, independent person, and I can make the best out of any situation! Just not today. Just not right now. Right now I am sad. I am so sad.

I'm going to miss my family. I'm going to miss my horse. I'm going to miss my friends. I am going to miss Christmas Brunch. I am going to miss meeting up for lunch. I am going to miss my mountains. I am going to miss my mom.

Is it this hard for everyone? Maybe this is my punishment for having such a great life. Maybe if my family wasn't so wonderful, I wouldn't be so terrified to leave... Its like I'm writing my obituary or something. But its too late to apologize now. Tomorrow I'll be puffy eyed and tired-- but I'll blame it on my allergies, and continue on.

Sometimes I feel as if I were to hiccup--- my loving husband, my beautiful son, my caring parents, my understanding siblings, my supportive friends---will fall out of my life, and into pieces. The love I have for all of them is just so profound, I don't want anything to ruin it. And I feel as though time might do just that. But what can I do now? I guess I'll just have a little faith, and avoid hiccups.

Wind.

I am most like the wind.

Its been a while since I had a quiet, undistracted thought. No illusions, no attempt to cover up. Just time to think clearly for a moment and accept the things that cause disruption. My emotions blow north, then south. When pushed, I blow back. Uncontainable. Wreckless. At least in my heart. On the surface, glass. But its just that, glass. Transparent and smudged with imperfections.

Why is it so scary to be completely honest? Why do we try to distract ourselves to cover up insecurities? Mostly I'm afraid that complete exposure would do nothing but cause pain. Yet, I do it again, and again. Is it habitual or do I really just want to be heard? I do believe in keeping sacred things sacred, but I have an undying need to leak my point of view into this world. I'm embarrassed to announce it, or shine a light on it... But hopefully if it is leaked, ever so slowly, it can run in the pipelines of those who will appreciate it. Those who can be inspired by it. Like I am inspired by the wind.

Now, I am no model--but I couldn't resist the wind. No person in their right mind would've taken pictures at that moment, in the bitter cold.... but I am obviously not in my right mind:)