Changing

I'll admit, I'm scared.
There are big changes coming soon and I feel a myriad of emotions... Happy, nervous, excited, anxious, sad.

I'm scared that I will only be able to miss those that I love.
I'm scared that I will always be wanting.
I'm scared I will be lonely.
I'm scared of feeling trapped.
I'm scared of being forgotten.

Its not like me to be scared. Usually I face challenges head on saying: "Do your worst, for I will do mine!" but this isn't the case. And I'm pretty damn sure this isn't " The Count of Monte Cristo" either. This time I'm afraid to even start. I'm so anxious, I can't sleep. Its all happening faster than expected. I yearn for those close to me. I feel like I'm saying goodbye for forever.  Nothing will be the same.

Will my nieces know me? Will my son know his grandparents? Will I spend all my time wishing my companion was with me, in the flesh, instead of just on a screen? I know people do it all the time, but I am not people. I am not that strong.

Twenty years is a long time. Some of those closest to me will have run their race by then. I feel as though I am abandoning them. I feel as though I need to be here to protect my family. As if my presence here somehow disallows them from being harmed. I know that isn't true, but that doesn't keep me from feeling that way. Right now, logic has no grip on my emotions.

Will those relationships that have always been so special to me deteriorate as time goes on? I can't even bear the thought of it.
My heart is so heavy, I can't even think of goodbye. People say: "You'll be fine! Give it time..." But I don't want my senses to be dulled just because this stupid thing called 'time' keeps going--- Because it goes both ways. And I don't want to be forgotten.

I don't want it to be normal that I'm not there at the dinner table.
I don't want it to be normal to miss the birth of my siblings children.
I don't want it to be normal to not be able to give my mom a hug just because I love her.

How could I have taken for granted the advantage of being so close for so long?

I'm sitting here, alone, at 2am with tears running down my cheeks, trying to relieve some of the emotion I've let build up for so long. Yet, I feel as though I'm only fueling the flame. Its not healthy. I don't want to be crying and feeling bad for myself. How can everyone else be fine? I want to be fine. I want to be supportive and strong... I am a happy, independent person, and I can make the best out of any situation! Just not today. Just not right now. Right now I am sad. I am so sad.

I'm going to miss my family. I'm going to miss my horse. I'm going to miss my friends. I am going to miss Christmas Brunch. I am going to miss meeting up for lunch. I am going to miss my mountains. I am going to miss my mom.

Is it this hard for everyone? Maybe this is my punishment for having such a great life. Maybe if my family wasn't so wonderful, I wouldn't be so terrified to leave... Its like I'm writing my obituary or something. But its too late to apologize now. Tomorrow I'll be puffy eyed and tired-- but I'll blame it on my allergies, and continue on.

Sometimes I feel as if I were to hiccup--- my loving husband, my beautiful son, my caring parents, my understanding siblings, my supportive friends---will fall out of my life, and into pieces. The love I have for all of them is just so profound, I don't want anything to ruin it. And I feel as though time might do just that. But what can I do now? I guess I'll just have a little faith, and avoid hiccups.